The 700 Billion Dollar Man

Our very own crack news team made a startling discovery; while investigating the seven hundred billion dollar bailout passed by the House and Senate. An ear mark in the bill would give billions to a project known as S.O.U.L. Upon further infestations led to the discovery of the true nature of this unpublicized government project and its true purpose. What Farm Report reveals here is has been classified higher than top secret. The project was originally started several years ago.

The project was originally intended to create a race of super republican candidates. These candidates would appeal to the left as well as minority groups; in short to be the perfect republican. The project was a backlash as a result of the failure of another republican project known only as “W.” However, even more startling was finding out just who the first test subject was; the candidate was dubbed the “Obama man.” All of the logistics, Intel, and blue prints for creating Barack Obama were found in these files Apparently, he was created by splicing republican genetic material from Ronald Reagan with that of JFK’s swagger.

But it’s here where something went wrong; so terribly wrong. One of the scientists working on the project left out his Boys’ to Men, and Bell Biv Devo vinyl records out along with a can of soul-glow jerry curl juice. This all fell into the chemical vat that would become the Obama man. Republicans soon got more then they bargained for, as the Obama man could not be contained. He soon broke out of the lab and began running amok. That is until a search team of Democrats found him, living like a wild man out in the wilderness barely alive.

They soon tapped his abilities for their own agenda. But this did not seem to be enough for democrats. They made him stronger, faster and better then any other candidate before. They made the Obama man.. bionic. They gave him bionic speech giving him the power to win over any wavering or undecided voters. As well as bionic arms that gave him amazing bi-partisan grip to break through all opposition. Now neither side is safe from the wrath of the perfect candidate; the Obama Man.

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